The Jinx of '13

I am a depraved wretch. I am not hereby trying to sound humble or spiritual- I am really, REALLY a depraved wretch. I am not trying to sound clever, pious or poetic. I mean that. I haven't written a blog post in a long while because I am a depraved wretch! Yeah, this whole post is just a rant about how despicable I am. And I am seriously - I mean that- seriously not trying to come across as spiritual or deep- spare yourselves the "ahas!" and any admiration. I would rather have your pity instead!

This might or might not be my last blog post. I don't know. Maybe God will be gracious and let me write again and maybe my conscience will not kill me and somehow again I might end up typing up something in the future. I am just not banking on it. And I don't care if I ever do anyway.  Why? Because I am a depraved wretch who was convicted that even in my writing- I was being driven by selfish agendas- rather than to honor and glorify God. Even in my "Christian theme blogging", there was underlying pride and a desire to be approved, commended or appreciated by man. In other words- my blogs have been more about my standing in the eyes of those who know me rather than to glorify God and point all and sundry to Him. So I was convicted to stop blogging. Now something you must know is that I just never wake up and blog. I have always turned the matter in my head for days or weeks before I am fully convicted that I need to write- so not writing for so long was difficult- so many times I wanted to write about issues I felt strongly about- but somehow I felt an even stronger opposition to that conviction telling me I shouldn't- so now it makes sense. It's because my heart hasn't been in the right place- even if anything I have ever written has been true and been a blessing to others- I still wrote them with the wrong motives. Thank God that He is so gracious and even uses our ill motives in doing good for His glory! It's like the Apostle Paul saying he knew that certain people preached Christ from 'selfish motives'- well, that has been ME!

So how have I come to this realization? The realization that I have been doing so many things-especially 'good things'  with the very worst of motives? Well, 2013 ( I know it's not yet over) has been the most difficult year of my adult life- not financially but spiritually, morally and socially. God has been so gracious to me and I haven't lacked much financially this year- I have actually been more bountiful than I have been in a long long time!

But everything else has been downhill. My morals have been at the bottom of the sea floor. My thought life has been fanned by the flames of hell itself. My mouth has cut like the excalibur. My finger has pointed and scorned at others with the audacity of demons. My hands and feet have rushed to do evil in zealous haste! It's been a bad bad year. Maybe it hasn't shown itself in my demeanor because- you guessed it- I am a depraved wretch who had to cover up and show a more polished side of myself!

I now believe in the absolute depravity of man- not just because the Bible says it- but because I now know it to be absolutely true in my own life.

I have seen my own double standards. I have been betrayed by my own flesh and blood. I have preached water as I got drunk with wine. I have been quick to condemn and judge others without the regard of the forest of logs in my own eyes. I have hurt friends and betrayed the trust of loved ones in cruel and intentional ways. But worst of all- I have betrayed my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in a million ways! I have misrepresented Him. I have taken advantage of His Grace. I have trampled His Mercy underfoot. I have suppressed His truths and disregarded and ignored His deep and unfathomable love. I still don't know why He lets me live or why I am even born again-it's one of those God mysteries that baffle me every passing day!

Somedays I sit terrified wondering if God will expose all that is in my heart, mind and those well hidden sins in my closet. I am more scared of what that would do to the glory of His name- which I so brazenly claim with no merit!- than ruining my standing before man. What is man? The next man is depraved also- but maybe not as gravely as I am. For isn't it worse for those who know the truth and suppress it than those who sin without  'FULL' knowledge?  Yeah, I definitely deserve a more severe judgement for knowing all I know and still living the way I do!  If Paul called himself the chief of sinners- what then shall I call myself?

I am not writing this post to get sympathy from anyone. I don't want any compliments. In fact- I hope no one 'likes' this post- for that is not why I am writing it. Mentally,I am a very very slow person. So I process best by writing. I only make my posts public because that forces me to be truthful. If I kept a personal journal ( which I don't!) - I probably would never write anything authentic in it- but because I lay my posts out in public- it forces me to be truthful  (even if I have written previous blog posts with underlying motives-the content and facts have ALWAYS  been the truth according to my knowledge at that point in time!) and as authentic as possible when I jot them down.

Repent. That's what I need to do. True, deep repentance. Accountability. Have people check in on me. Make hard choices. If I am going to strive to live an authentic life, If I am going to dare call myself a child of God- things must change! This can't be what a redeemed sinner should be confessing every few months. There should be growth and fruit- plenty of fruit! God doesn't demand perfection from me- but He expects more faithfulness and greater measures of obedience- not this joke I call my Christian walk!

Oh how depraved I am Father! what  shame to your name I am! What an unfaithful ambassador of your Kingdom I have become! Have mercy oh dear Lord!

They don't know how bad I have it Lord! Against you and ONLY you  have I sinned so greatly! Have Mercy on me Oh Son of David! What am I but a worm oh Holy God! A depraved wretch who is drowning in your ocean of Grace! I have run out of words to write………

P.s. I am not superstitious- (at least I don't think I am!) 

 I just knew "The jinx of 13" would be a cooler name for this blog post over something like "Tony needs to repent!" I told you I was a depraved wretch!  (Pun intended)

The purpose in your pain

                                   "The point of your life is to point to Him!"

This is supposed to be an exciting week for me.  This Thursday marks a year to the day I walked away from a job to chase a dream. Yes, on the 18th of April 2012, I walked away from a good job and went back into the slum to pursue what I believe is my life long calling- working with slum kids and street orphans. So it's supposed to have been an exciting week as I looked back on what God has done in the past twelve months, right? Instead it turned out to be one of the most depressing weeks in my life. I have been in low spirits.I wanted to throw in the towel Call it quits and just run back to a 'regular' life! Whatever that means.

So why have I been feeling down?
I have been sickly (I rarely get sick) it's been raining cats and dogs ( I HATE the cold and the slum mud just depresses me!) and I have been low on funds (I am too independent and too proud to beg).  There is also stuff that has been building up on the inside- I have so many ideas and plans but lack the resources to do anything about them. This has been wearing me out- as I look at  a calloused and proud world that doesn't care about slum orphans and poor street boys. As I watch people with means and in position to do something for the less fortunate and sadly realize they don't care and probably never will. I have also had my beef with God- the age old question. Why? Why would he allow the wicked to prosper and why does it look like He is not interested in supporting  'His' own work? Isn't the church His brainchild? Why doesn't He sort her out and do amazing things through her? Isn't He the one so chiefly concerned about His glory and reputation? Well, it doesn't seem like the world wide church is winning lots of admirers and building a movement in recent years- does it?
 So I was content to sulk and wallow in self pity and even to throw up some words to God about how I thought He ought to be running the world -and especially His church! I have a mouth problem- I am hasty with my words and they come out faster than my brain can process, edit and filter them. Many times it leaves me wishing they had invented a vacuum cleaner that can suck up and take back everything you didn't really want to leave hanging out as speech cloud. I was very angry and not in any kind of mood to read my Bible or any other biblical or theological books. I was feeling pretty pre occupied and  self centered and all I wanted to do was dwell on how pathetic and useless my life and  efforts were and how I might be throwing away my life chasing a phantom. As ridiculous as it now sounds and seems- I started questioning wether I had heard God's voice or if I had been too hasty in my decision to leave employment and do what I do. I started scheming on getting out. How to exit quietly and politely.

But last night God graciously came through again. He talked to me through a movie! A movie I believe I stole from some friend's computer a while ago.

It was about 10 pm last night and I was not ready for bed. I had been lying around in the house since Monday wallowing in the pits and as all my friends know- sleep and I have never been good friends since I finished High School. Sleep has always evaded me. Anyways, since I wasn't planning on reading my Bible or any other good book - I started scrolling through my new computer( she is my most treasured earthly 'thing' right now!) looking for a movie to watch and this movie caught my eye- I hadn't watched it before. It was just sitting there with this tantalizing title- It's a wonderful Life! I thought to myself- "Yeah, right!" But I was ready to see somebody else's wonderful life because mine was not too wonderful -I didn't think!

So I start to play this movie. It's about this George. It starts out with many shots of  households in prayer. Everyone seems to be praying for George cause he is depressed,has lost all hope and seems to have dissappeared from the little town. Then some celestial beings which look like big stars are discussing his fate and they  decide to send a wingless Angel to help him out- but first they preview the man's life so that the angel can see what kind of man George is. So anyway to cut the story short- this George guy had different dreams- he wanted to leave his small town and explore the world and come back and do big things- but fate would have him remain and take care of his late father's business that helped poor people build and  own their own homes and evade the clutches of an evil and greedy old grinch who wants to own and control everything in the town.

The old grinch has been trying to find a way to take over the wonderful little business but George has outwitted him so far- but the old grinch's  chance comes when George's uncle 'loses' 8 thousand dollars which the old grinch finds and keeps hidden. George knows that without the 8k, the whole business is going down and he might be jailed on false charges of embezzlement after the Grinch refuses to help him out. He decides to go commit suicide on a bridge- and that's when the wingless old Angel comes in!

The high light of the movie is when George wishes he had never been born -and the Angel in consultation with heaven grants the wish. George walks through his hometown and nobody knows him or recognizes him and some people have a horrible quality of life because he won't there to help them out! He never existed and they don't know him-although he knows them all! When he cries out and wants to 'live' again- that's when the movie really hits home!  I won't spoil it by giving it away- watch it if you haven't! it's one of the best movies I have ever watched in my whole life. I don't intend to ever delete it! EVER!

Okay, so your probably wondering what's the point of my gibberish about this movie? Well, it saved me last night! God showed me his purposes in all the suffering and the pain we go through! We don't want pain! We want everything to go according to our plans! We don't want the inconveniences of other people's problems- we want drama free, sunny cloudless days, easy going lives that don't force us to dig in or sacrifice anything! We want it our way or the high way- or like George, we wish we were never born! Yet our small day to day actions and relationships impact so many lives around us! Some for eternity!

Isn't it a wonder that the Almighty God would choose puny little humans to carry out His plans and purposes? I mean- He could just as well go ahead and carry out His grand schemes through mighty shows and acts in the sky or through natural phenomenon- but no, God would rather work the supernatural through our day-to-day boring lives!

Think of God promising a savior and then sending Him to be born through a young teenage virgin from a nondescript town. Think of God deciding to send out the incredibly valuable gospel message through a rag tag band of twelve -mostly uneducated riff-raff from the lower classes of the Jewish society?

So what am I aiming to get at? There is purpose in your pain. Your small and meager efforts for the Lord have an impact in the lives of others- wether you will ever know it or not! Whatever card God has dealt you with- He had plans, purposes and reasons behind them! Your life may seem meaningless and trivial and you may even wonder of what good it might be to anyone- but if like George you had the privilege of watching the impact your absence would have in the lives of those around you and those who you love- then maybe you would rejoice in your struggles. Maybe you would wake up and still go to your dead-end  job with a smile. Maybe you would appreciate the sunrise and sunset a little more. Maybe your good  health and your three square meals wouldn't be taken for granted anymore. Maybe you would cherish your wife and spend more time with your beautiful children.
Maybe you would never understand the purpose in your pain- but maybe you would also be okay with it because you would appreciate that whatever the Master is doing is for the good of others and for yourself!
For now we see dimly ( or not at all) but one day we shall see clearly- when we behold Him! When the purposes of our pains and trials are fully revealed!

My Pride and Prejudice

DISCLAIMER: For the record, I have NEVER read the book or watched the film of a similar name! I heard it was a chick flick-and that was enough to kill my interest dead! So this post will have no parallels, anecdotes or plot ideas from the said book or film- I just liked the title! :)

I think my biggest flaw as a person is my pride. I am a very conceited wretch of a human being!

I think very highly of myself. Yes, Tony Were is a wickedly self-righteous individual! The worst thing about it is that many times, I have caught myself not being bothered by it!

Self-righteousness stems from the root of pride.

And when it comes to pride and ego- a strutting peacock has nothing on me!

I am also very judgmental. I deliver verdicts of what I think about a person within the first 30 seconds or so when I first meet them! I can quickly categorize them into –‘acquaintance’, ‘platonic friend’, ‘Love interest’, ‘just church folk’, ‘ friend forever’, ‘lil sister or brother,’ ‘potential mentor’ or ‘future business contact/consultant’ within the first 5 minutes of our meeting. I know relationships are meant to grow over time-but somehow my judgments and prejudices have always held. So far, that’s how most of my relationships have started and stayed. 5-minute verdicts. In fact I am so conceited that I 'humble' myself by consciously 'stooping down' to those I feel are beneath my knowledge, status or exposure-and then I congratulate myself for being so 'considerate'!  Yep. Pride and self-righteousness are some of my big goliaths that rear their ugly ogre heads every day!

I was jolted to this truth recently during a memorial service for a friend's in-law. It's not that I had never known that I had this flaw in the past, but I think I was starkly taken a back by how casual I had become about it-and that is what terrifies me! So this is how it happened. The memorial service had just concluded and people were starting to leave or huddle up into groups of friends, acquaintances and relatives. Others were consoling the family of the bereaved one. Naturally, me and my friends from church moved towards each other and huddled up and started to talk about nothing in particular. Then somebody cracked a joke and I jumped on it quick as I usually do- so I could sound smart or funny or whatever-trying to impress as always. That's when my friend shook his head and blurted it out- I don't think he said it with any malice- it just came out sharp and true! His exact words were  something like, "You always have to be the center of attention Tony,  it always has to be about you!"

It hit home hard and quick! I didn't have a comeback for that-I didn't feel like I needed a come back for that. It just felt like a truth that needed to be said and it hit the mark-homed in like a smart bomb. In my head, I was like, "wow, that is true! That is me!"  I went silent for once and just stared at those words inside my head for a minute. And the Holy Spirit has been letting me stew in them since then. It's no fun when the Holy Spirit convicts you - oh, it sucks the flippancy and falsehood out of you like a vacuum cleaner. It takes up all the brain space in your head, wrestles with your heart-forces you to confront the issue head on and heart deep!

I like to think of myself as a black Chandler. You, know, Chandler from FRIENDS? In one of the episodes, someone points out that his sarcastic humor is his way of hiding his pain and shielding the public from really seeing the many insecurities and fears that he has. Now I know why I love Chandler so much- I am practically a less funny, dumber black version of him! I use words to hide behind my fears, insecurities, prejudice and conceitedness. I basically go to war with words everyday! My words are my tools of attack, defense, and prejudice or for boasting and showing off!

I know it’s because I am a sinner.  The  Bible tells us there is nothing as deceitful as our hearts.  But I still can't really put a finger on any physical and practical reasons why I am so self-righteous. 

I am far from being any kind of rich- in fact I am so poor at the moment I practically live hand to mouth!  I have no educational accolades to brag about. No degrees, no PHD's – zip zero!

So is it because of the Grace that God has drowned my life in? 

I mean, I have travelled half around the world for free! I have met some pretty big names and been to some pretty impressive places. I have seen and experienced stuff most people can only read about or watch in movies. Is that why I regard myself with so much esteem? 

Maybe it's cause I feel ‘morally better’ than others?  I don't struggle with many of the things that young people struggle with (Am I even young anymore?) Alcohol, drugs, pre marital sex and late night parties have never been a struggle in my books - never made me sweat much-even during the hormonal teens!  I mean, I am a man so I do battle lust a lot - but so far, I have kept it zipped. I am not claiming perfection and I did have a few close calls in my first relationship - and I definitely wouldn’t have a smug smile on my face if someone ever pulled up my google search history- No, I would beg God to open up the earth to swallow me!!  But there is some kind of condescending attitude I have always had for ‘loose women’ and ‘promiscuous bad boys’.

So does my conceited perspective of my 'morality' make me feel better than others?

Oh and I am pretty conceited about my body- not my mug of course- I have my tribe’s big nose that dominates half my face and crooked buck teeth from all the gum diseases I had as a kid. I also have hundreds of furrows on my forehead that make me look really old when I put on my poker face or when I am mad. No- I am not a pretty boy by a long shot- but I am pretty conceited about my physique! I have all natural abs- if there is anything like that! Yep- my six-pack showed up when I was 15 and it has never gone anywhere despite my notorious meat, bread and chapatti eating habits- my body's metabolism takes care of it all quick and leaves me looking like I am on a vegetarian diet-lean and mean!

Plus I have a good set of lungs- my heart is a bit iffy and has a weird beat to it (according to the cardiologists)- but my lungs are great! I run about 14-15km  three times a week without breaking much of a sweat!

So you can imagine what kind of prejudice I have for the unfit.

So is it my athletic prowess, my false morality or my worldly exposure that make me so self elevated?  Maybe it’s all these put together?

Perhaps. All I know is that I am a wretched soul. The eyes of the all-seeing-One condemn me to eternal damnation- not only for my wretched state as a sinner- but even more so for my pride and self-righteousness!

You see, there is nothing worse before God than a Pharisee who prays and says “ Thank you dear Lord that I am not like that tax collector over there or that prostitute there yonder or God forbid-that thief nailed to the cross over at Golgotha! Thank you that I am a respectable man in society!”

God gags at that kind of prayer! Save for His Grace and long suffering- He would fling such a worm into eternal damnation in a millisecond and have Hell’s flames turned up a 100 fold hotter for such crass and blasphemous talk!

Consider what brought the magnificent Lucifer to such a lowly and damned state? “ I shall rise up and ascend to the highest office! Yeah, I shall be even greater than He! The Angels and all of creation shall bow down and hail me!”

Those lofty dreams and braggadocios words got Him a name change and an eternal sentence in Hades. Pride and self-righteousness are an abomination before the Holy One of Zion.  The Lion of Judah will not tolerate strutting peacocks- for what is a mere bird with colorful plumage?

A helpless bird that is also an easy target – a fowl that scratches the dirt for worms and vermin for food! Oh, the audacity of it all- ridiculous!

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” 

“There is none who does right, no, not even one!”

“ Behold, they worship me with their lips and tongues, but their hearts are far away from me!” 

“You are luke warm….. I would rather that you were either hot or cold!” and because you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth"

“Your righteousness is as filthy menstrual rags before me!”

Any good thing that proceeds from your wretched life is a grace from the Almighty. You did not choose Him- rather, He chose you! It is Him who works and wills in you to perform any righteousness or godly deeds!

Therefore do not boast. Do not dare stick your nose up in the air- lest the stench of your self-righteous perfume waft into the nostrils of the HOLY ONE of Israel and He cast you out like He did the Serpent. Yeah, lest your fate be no worse than Satan’s own!

Let us repent and cry out to the Father – for a broken and contrite Spirit He will not ignore!  A wounded Soul He will bind up in Loving Kindness!

For the Lord our God is the God of the poor, the naked, the pitiable and the wretched! Are you one of these? I am!  My Lord, help me to remember that-all the days of my life!!

Religious vs Regenerated

'You must manufacture plastics, but it is God who takes care of all the natural and supernatural phenomenon.'

I have noticed quite a bit of change in my lifestyle in recent times. Could it be that old age is catching up? Maybe I am trying to prove a point to a number of people? Trying to show folks that I am coming of age? I mean, once you hit the big 3-0, everybody seems to be like "whoa!" And "Oh!" The world expects you to be more mature and look more focused and " have it all together and figured out!"
Is that whats happening to me?

I have been wondering what is motivating all these new changes I am embracing lately.

Authenticity has suddenly become a very big deal.
Tv is usually off unless I want to catch a big story in the news. These days I spend more time in quiet solitude wondering how I could be of service to God and others. Trying to be creative with time and resources.
One of my favorite hobbies used to be watching action movies- I currently have so many movies on my hard drive that remain unwatched! I would rather read my Bible or a good book on Christianity or biographies of great dead preachers (I know- a little morbid aye?)
I used to look around a lot in church during services- trying to people-read ( I am a hopeless people watcher!) and of course- also trying to spot all the beautiful girls who genuinely seem fascinated by whatever my pastor was talking about! These days, I honestly don't care about the pretty girl holding her head in her hands lost in the scriptures- these days I am one of those (just that I am male instead!) In fact the only reason I sit in the back is because I help out with the sound- otherwise, I would rather be in the front row and avoid all the distractions!
I used to sing Hymns and worship songs in church with a false enthusiasm- just reading the words off the projector screen without thinking about them. These days, the words get tossed and wrestled around in my mind long after the church service is done! I want them to mean something to me- not just be a catchy melody that I know!

I used to want to be the first guy with the newest and latest Christian music - just so I could brag and show off my musical knowledge, taste and wide collection! Lately, my playlists have thinned out- I am sticking with my old favorites- more fascinated by the Lyrics than the new sounds and production styles.

I used to want to be known by many people and I had this plastic smile on so everyone could think how "friendly and nice" Tony is. Right now, I am more concerned about hanging out and getting to know a little better the few people that already know me. I want to dig in a little deeper and invest in those relationships much more than I want to meet new people!

Marriage used to be a big priority in my future plans- now it's like "Meh- if it happens, praise the Lord,if not- Paul is the perfect role model!"

I used to work at trying to come across as the "awesome" and "cool" teacher to all the different kids I get to teach on a weekly basis - now, I just want to be good friends with them. I want them to be comfortable enough to share with me their silly stories, their big dreams and let them pull on my small and pathetic beard,oh and also laugh at them as they pinch and punch my bulging biceps while they innocently ask me " Can you beat Batman?"

I used to passionately preach "hell,fire and brimstone" to all my non- Christian friends with the main intention of showing them what horrible persons they are and how doomed they would be if they died in their sins. Now I find myself sharing more about Gods grace and mercy through the experiences and stories of my own life rather than trying to scare them into 'buying' Fire Insurance.

So how do I explain these recent awakenings? Am I that terrified of getting older? Are all these changes just mere works of the flesh aimed at an outward display of my 'coming of age'? I sincerely doubt that. I think God has set me up.
I am naturally not a people pleaser. I am not saying I don't try to be kind and loving to people-no, my faith actually demands that I do that! All I am saying is that I don't go out trying to kiss boots or fit in to people's moulds. In fact I am always trying to be in the opposite direction with everybody else!
So no, I don't think this is me freaking out and having a pre-mature mid life crisis. I think I see what God is doing.
He has plugged me into an incredible church with incredible pastors. He has pushed me out into teaching and sharing my faith in about 5 different classes every week ( this forces me to read and meditate more scripture than I have ever read before in any other period of my life!) He has thrust quite a number of good books in my hands lately- but most importantly He is making me more aware and more reliant on the person and work of the Holy Spirit in me. In summary, what I am saying is He has set me up for growth! I am just the excited little kid who is starting to embrace this new phase in my life's journey.

The stories in the Bible clearly show that God does not mass produce carbon copies of hysterical religious nuts, rather, He graciously molds diverse, humble, genuine disciples.

Judah, in his younger days was a profit minded and sexually promiscuous man. Paul used to be a fanatical monk on crack- killing and jailing anyone who had the slightest whiff of Jesus on them.
Jacob was a lying, thieving and sly schemer who was always on the run before the angel of Love crippled his leg and stole his heart.
Peter was the loud mouth, hot tempered, know-it-all, big shot among the 12 before the Holy Spirit decided to dig in and flip the script.

They were all wretches and losers headed nowhere fast- actually, they were headed straight to hell, yet look what The Lord did when He started to mould their hearts!
The natural encountered the supernatural- and the natural did not remain the same but rather aspired to be regenerated into the supernatural!

So are you the religious freak with all the rituals and calculated moves,or are you just a wretched sinner being transformed daily by the Gospel?
Romans 12:1-2

The Book cover vs the Content

                                            " And who do YOU, say I am? "

Someone called me an Oreo a few weeks ago.(For the record,I wasn't offended in the least bit!) If you don’t know what an Oreo is, type it in google, hit the search button and then  click images.

So, why did she call me an Oreo? Well, I was sprinkling cinnamon powder onto my buttered toast at a friend's house! What she meant was that I am black on the outside with a bit of white on the inside! In other words, she is saying, I am an African with a lot of western/mzungu tendencies.

I could see that. I mean, I always introduce myself as Tony. First name basis. Very American. A proper  African would emphasize their African names-be proud of their father, clan and tribe affiliations. I talk English with an accent-an American one (that's what my Kenyan friends say!). I can’t help that- been in North America for long periods at a time since I was 8 years old -I am not bragging, just stating facts! My favorite store is Target- it's American. My favorite clothing and shoe brand? Converse. American. My favorite restaurant? SubWay.American. My favorite type of music? Rock and Hip Hop-very American!

So, am I brainwashed African who thinks all Western things are superior? Am I another young black man with an identity crisis? Do I feel like I was born on the wrong continent? Am I plastic? Am I trying to sell an image and identity that I am not? Am I one thing on the outside and another on the inside? You be the judge.

I like what I like and I hate what I hate. I don’t take time worrying about what people think or say- I just live out my life. I am a straight shooter. I call a spade a spade- not a big spoon.

Funny thing is, despite my 'western tendencies', I love Africa more than any other continent in the world. I could never think of permanently moving out of this beautiful, wonderful place. My heart is knit, my soul entwined to the people,the challenges, passions,cultures and ways of this so-called mysterious 'dark continent'.Plus my skin loves the heat. I hate the cold. I really, really hate the cold!

I am a city boy with a heart for the countryside. I was born and raised in Nairobi, with a few short stints in the village,but I would trade Nairobi for the bushes in a heart beat. I love physical strain and hard work. I would rather chop wood with an axe than sit behind a desk on a computer all day. I have green thumbs. Anything I plant grows. It’s been tried and tested. I must have got it from my grandma!

So what's the point here? Looks can be deceiving. The outward appearance of a person does not necessarily give you the full and true picture of the inner man.

Jesus did not look like God when He walked the earth. He looked like a poor Jew. Infact, he looked like a carpenter-just like His earthly ‘father’ Joseph. There was nothing physical about Him that drew the crowds. He was 'illiterate' and a misfit who questioned the system. He lived like an alien- traveling light and amassing nothing for himself. He looked common, but there was nothing common about the 33 year old Jew who lived to die.

His outward appearance and dress code looked common place and cheap, but His real worth and identity was embodied in who He truly was-God eternal!

Looks can be deceiving. Judgment is easily passed on the most trivial of assumptions- but that does not change the hard facts of stubborn truth. Some of the  greatest books ever written  have the  weirdest or most  bland covers ever. That doesn't change the fact that they are great books!

Most Bibles have one solid color and two simple words on the front cover- HOLY BIBLE.

Ever thought how powerful and significant those two words are? That an eternal author has penned down his memoirs, journals and future plans for mortal flesh to interact with?

All that in a dull ,dusty leather bound book ignored on shelves in millions of homes.

What's the Bible to you? An old black or brown leather-bound  book full of myths and legends or the eternal living truth penned down by God Almighty himself?

On what basis did you judge it by? The cover or the content there in? The verdict is yours.

Child of Grace

"You did not choose me,I chose you!"

My mom was born a normal healthy baby girl but by the age of Seven, she had become deaf. It was life altering for her. She became the subject and object of abuse by her own family. She was labelled a “curse to the family”. This was back in the 60’s when African traditions were still strong. She was often beaten by her own mother for no reason. She was bullied by her own brothers and sisters. She had 5 siblings. They made her cook and clean and wash their clothes while they sat back and did nothing. She was a real life black Cinderella. There was no school for her-she looked after cattle and did all the odd jobs around the house while her mean sisters sneered proudly and skipped off to school.

Her father was a polygamist who split his time between the two wives living in two different homesteads. He was also working as a chief for the new government after Kenyas Independence from the British in 1963. So he got around quite a bit on government business and meetings. That’s how he heard of a mission school for the deaf. He dropped her off there.

The school gave my mom a respite from her tormentors. Kind missionaries taught her sign language, basic reading and writing and how to use a Type writer. She had found an escape route. When she graduated from her basic courses, she wasn’t homebound. Her ordeals in the hands of her own flesh and blood were still too fresh in her mind. So she turned and fled to the big city. Nairobi.

In Nairobi, she settled down with my dad and I was born shortly there after. She had barely started to cozy down into the role of dutiful housewife when the bottle got the better of my dad. They split up before I could walk or talk. I ended up in the village with my grandma as mom started looking for work. She took me back to Nairobi when I was five. We lived in a tiny one roomed house and I went to Toi Primary School in Kibera slums.

Through a missionary however, my mom was told about the African Children’s Choir. I can’t sing to save my life- but I ended up in it. Something about mom and me being “too needy and poor to turn away.” I was 8 years old and sickly. I was malnourished, tape worm infested and had gum disease.

Life changed for the poor slum boy quick. Before I could spell aero plane, I was sitting in some monstrous Boeing KLM plane with 25 other excited kids flying to the West.

Slum boy was going to America. And it wasn’t for two weeks or even a month. It was for 18 months! And we hit more than 40 States in the process too! Talk about living the good life. I was a little rock star on stage alongside all my better singing choir members. We had eager ‘mzungus’ fussing over us all the time and they cried as they were moved by our stories and plights back home. We were treated like royalty. We met the big wigs too. We went and sang for George Bush the First at the White House, met and sang with most of the big gospel heavy weights at the time. From Sandi Patti to the Gaithers, to Acappella and Dino. To George Whittaker and the winans to singing a song especially written for us by my favorite worship music artiste- Michael W. Smith!
Yeah, if I can say it myself-we rocked!

We flew back to Kenya and after catching our breath for a few months and reassuring our parents and guardians that we were all well -after eating all the mzungu food, we were off again! We flew to Northern Ireland, then Taiwan. Then Seychelles and Singapore and even Malaysia!

After gathering plenty of air miles over the course of four years, The African Children’s Choir finally decided I had done enough globe trotting for my age so I was put in School and the grind started.
During the holidays, I lived in the slum with my mom. We lived in several of them-Kawangware,Mathare,Huruma. I wasn’t just a globe trotter- I was a slum hopper too! Mathare made the biggest impression on me. We lived there for about eight years. I saw a lot of ugly in that place. Some of my child hood friends got swallowed by it. The guns got them. Or the drugs or the booze or HIV/AIDS. Something always gets you there. Gangsta Rap got me.

DMX, Tupac, Biggie, Mobb Deep and Mase were my long distance mentors. I listened to everything they had to say on my little walkman on cassette tapes. I could rap along to almost all their songs word for word -by heart.
I was now in High School and slipping fast. My friends were doing marijuana and sneaking out of boarding school at night,
I was just beginning to contemplate trying some of these deviant stunts when one of them was shot dead in a failed robbery attempt during school holidays. That sobered me up and I abandoned any dreams of emulating Tupac or Biggie, but gangsta rap had its grip on me. I started attending and participating in Rap battles at a Night Club. I started nurturing this selfish and wild dream- make it as an MC, get out the slum,help my momma and live the “good life” –like I had seen in America. But God had other plans. And they didn’t involve a rap career.

My mom got sick to the point of death shortly after she had just quit a stressful and low paying job. She was bedridden and coughed up blood-and everything else she tried to eat.She couldn’t even keep a glass of water down. We were dead broke with no money for food, rent or medicine. The Landlord’s agent kept coming to harass us-demanding the rent from me while my mother was smelling like death on her bed. All the gangsta rap had me fantasizing about having a gun, I probably would have shot that irritating agent if I had one then. I had never hated and loathed a face like his. I was hungry,angry, terrified and hopeless. I had no family to turn to. I am an only child. There, in that hopeless desperate estate, God found me-again. The prodigal child who had confessed Christ at age Nine in the African Children’s Choir was broken and hopeless! I turned to God and cried! This was on the 18th of April in 2003 “You can’t take my momma God, not her, I could never survive without her! No, God, no, please! I will do anything, Lord please!
I was willing to Blackmail God for the life of my mom.

He graciously heard me and He answered. My mom healed miraculously with no drugs or a doctor’s appointment in a matter of days! We could not explain it. A few weeks later, she got an even better paying job than her previous one!
During the same period, an old family friend dragged me along to my current church– Emmanuel Baptist Church-and I was so drawn to God and His word which was so powerfully and truly preached there. This all happened in the same month! April 2003. Things started looking like they were coming together. It felt like God was smiling down on us again.

My sponsors, African Children’s Choir got in touch soon after all this and started talking about my college prospects. I was sponsored through college soon thereafter and before you could say globetrotter, I was on a plane to England for a six-month internship with the BBC in Cornwall! I had a blast there! Ended up back stage in Hyde Park during the Live 8 show in London and was even shot as an extra in an Africa Slavery Docu-drama! At this point, I had wizened up to an important fact. Someone was in control- and it wasn’t me!
I came back home and got a job almost immediately with a very huge media company here as their chief reporter for their two Radio stations.
Three years later, I walked away from the job-convinced that a life of chasing politicians, bending the truth and witnessing corruption on a day-to-day basis was not for me. Someone was calling out to me for something greater and bigger than a steady career and comfortable life. It was God’s Spirit. The Holy Phantom was stalking the corridors of my heart and I didn’t even know it!

Two months after I walked away from my job, I was asked to volunteer as a chaperone with the African Children’s Choir- and like they say, my heart was stole!

God awakened a passion for kids in me that I never knew existed during this period of my life.

So I took off again- for the West. This time, I was all grown up. I got to re-live my childhood through the eyes of 23 beautiful children. And it was a blessing. Grace had never looked so precious and beautiful like it did in those tiny eyes. God reminded me where I had come from- and He whispered to me to trust Him more and He began to teach me to follow Him.

I came back after a year and a half in the US, Canada and Alaska and tried to sit behind a desk doing communication work for a Christian Charity- but it wasn’t working out for me. Those tiny Grace eyes were still looking at me,beckoning me elsewhere-and I just couldn’t turn away.Not anymore. I had never been so sure about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life- and I felt Gods peace flood over my decision to pursue this calling as a full time ministry. So I walked away from another job!

I have been looking in His Grace eyes lately. He has been humbling me over and over again. Reminding me what He has done. I have been counting my blessings- and they are too many to keep track off and too many to list here.
Here are a few though:

I am a jobless man with no money for my dream and mission- yet He takes care of all that. Since April last year, he has continued to provide and draw people to support my dream.

My rent has been met in miraculous ways. I eat and drink with change in my pocket- that I didn’t wake up to work for all month. Random people and friends hand me or send me money-quietly with that knowing nod.Sometimes it’s envelopes-and they are not empty. All they say is something like,” Keep doing what your doing and God bless!”

I currently teach five very varied Bible classes a week-yet I have never been to Seminary! By His Grace,I am helping teach His word-despite having no Theological qualifications. Just a heart willing to step out in faith!

I help teach street boys, orphans and needy slum children about a loving father- yet I never grew up with a dad.

I have walked away from two jobs in my life- some people can’t even find one!

I get so many favors and gifts of things from people that even my own friends complain and whine about how unfair it is for me to get all the good stuff -all the time!

Yes, I have an iphone. Yes, I have a mac-that I didn’t work or pay for!

Yes, I have many friends that I don’t deserve.

Yes, I have two wonderful pastors looking out for me. One even lets me walk in to his house and raid his fridge and joke with him and sleep over at his house -any day of the week, while the other one sells me iphones for dirt cheap- just so I could have one!

Yes, I have precious little kids who look up to me as if I were their father or older brother. And it humbles and overwhelms me!

Yes,I have drank tea at the Bellagio in Las Vegas and walked inside the pristine walls of St. Peter’s Basillica in Rome.
Yes, I have been to both Disney World and Disney Land!
Yep, I have watched a female grizzly bear and her cubs fishing for salmon by a river just a few feet away from me in Alaska!
Yes, I have been to Ethiopia and South Africa and even South Sudan- where I killed a couple of Scorpions trying to sneak into my 'Tukul!'

Yep, I have gotten an autograph from David Beckham and Michael W. Smith.

No, I do not hold a degree in anything. I only possess a diploma in Broadcast Journalism from a nondescript private college.

And No, my mom does not think I am the best son a mom could ever have-she has always known me as a stubborn little stinker!

Yes, I am often mean and insensitive with my words and I offend people more than I am a blessing to them in my speech. But I am learning and growing and working at it everyday. Ephesians 4:29 is my key verse!

I don’t write all this to boast or to show off-no,not at all! For what achievement or thing would I pride myself in?

No, God forbid it! For I am but a child of Grace!
And I haven’t even started talking about what He did for me on Calvary or what He has in store for me in Heaven!

Oh! How spoiled I am! Yes, a spoiled brat of Grace indeed!

The Joke that is Democracy

"The heart is most deceitful beyond all else!''

I hate politics. And Democracy too! They are both jokes. Big bad ugly jokes.The former is a machine for deceiving the masses and the latter is a lie used to convince the masses that they actually have a say in matters of governance and in deciding what is morally 'right and wrong'. Both are deceptive, serving only the interests of wretched hearts and souls!

I know what you may be thinking now. " what does this ignorant and arrogant bastard (yeah, I grew up with no dad) know about politics and democracy?" Well, I don't know much-but I have seen and heard enough to convince me to hate those two evil jokes!

I was a Journalist. I have worked on two continents. Africa and Europe and I am still convinced that Politics and Democracy anywhere in the world is the same. I worked for the BBC for 6months and the largest media house in East Africa ( NATION MEDIA GROUP) for 3 years.

I was behind a microphone when Kenya went to war with herself at the end of 2007/ beginning of 2008. I watched people's homes and businesses get torched. I walked past dead bodies in the streets. I interviewed marauding youths with machetes,clubs and rocks in their hands and my heart in my mouth. They told us the only reason they didn't attack us was because we were the media and they wanted us to let the world know what they were protesting about.

One day I was caught on the wrong side of the divide with police coming towards us as we talked to demonstrators- a tear gas canister was hurled and it hit me on my chest - burning my shirt and almost knocking me out cold. I coughed for my life as live bullets whizzed by, stoking more chaos to a burning slum.

I saw footage and pictures no human being should see. We could never air those on tv or describe them on radio- we were told. These would only fuel revenge attacks from grieved tribes. Hacked bodies. Severed limbs. Did you see what the city mortuary looked like then?
Pregnant women hacked to death with unborn foetus' hanging out of their swollen and ripped bellies.Bodies of women and children burnt beyond recognition. One of those attacks happened in a church!
This was all in the name of Politics and Democracy.

While all this was happening, fat politicians with body guards were calling us Journalists to press conferences in air conditioned hotels and with smirks on their faces they talked about how Democracy was going to 'win' for the common man. How the rights of the masses would not be denied. It made me sick to the stomach- literally!

One day, I was having a bowl of fruits for lunch as I wondered wether Kenya was headed to the dogs like our next door neighbors- Somalia and South Sudan when a searing pain in my stomach sent me sprawling on the floor. My friends rushed me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with ulcers and admitted for 4 days. I was 26 years old. The doctor said I had major ulcers in my stomach lining due to depression and stress. A few months later, I quit Journalism. I wasn't ready to write or report myself to death.

Why am I writing about all this you may ask? Well, my country is going to an election in just over a month and the outlook is not too good. Violence in certain parts of the country has already happened. Corruption and irregularities have been rampant during the recent primaries.
Tribal animosities are already flaring up in some places. Tomorrow still looks bleak.

So what are the solutions? If we got 'good leaders', would Kenya and Africa's plight be better? If we followed the model of the developed world- practicing 'good politics' and 'true Democracy' would things be better for our 'failed States'?

I don't believe so. Lets look at the 'perfect' models abroad. Their democracies and politics have legalized abortions and gay rights and gay marriages and guns. 12 Year olds are in street gangs taking lives before they can fully understand what a Life is worth. 11 and 12 year old girls are prostitutes. Pimps, Sex trade traffickers and drug dealers are freely cruising down the streets in big cars because of a technicality in a clause of a State Law. Marijuana and other controlled substances are legal in certain places. Millions of babies aborted each year- because there is choice and women have the democratic right to choose! All this in the name of 'good Democracy and Politics'.

So no, I am not a big fan of Politics or Democracy in any part of the world. In fact the reason I am writing all this down is because I have been struggling to pray for my country and its politicians. I know who they are and what they are capable of- and they are not here to save us!
But my pastor and my Bible all say that I should pray for my country and my leaders. It's been hard. Since I quit my career in Joirnalism, I rarely watch tv or listen to the radio. It's so hard. I can't stand the lies and the manipulation. Still makes me sick. But I have a duty to pray. I must be heavenly minded but of earthly good.

So I have been thinking how I should pray and I have come to this conclusion. I can only pray for two things. Those are the only prayers I have- literally! That's my only hope. I can pray for Christ to return quickly or I can pray for God to touch the hearts of wretched sinners - like myself.

See, Kenya's and Africa's and the world's biggest problem is not poverty and bad leaders and bad democracy. No! Our biggest problems are our sinful hearts. No amount of money, or education or peace or pleasure will ever satiate an evil heart- we will always battle evil because it is in our DNA. All of us. We murder and steal and kill and rape and lie and take advantage of each other because we are selfish and self centered. And only Jesus can save us!

So MARANATHA! - Lord come quick or touch the hearts of these wicked leaders and restrain the evil schemes of the poor man in the slum who thinks He has nothing to lose by torching a business premise or hacking his neighbor to death because he comes from a different tribe. Otherwise there is no HOPE for us. You say the King's heart is like water in your hands and you can turn it whichever which way you so please and you say you will establish a Kingdom of Peace that will last forever. For only these I pray. For unless you restrain the wretched hearts of men and unless your Gospel pierces the stony hearts of the wicked, Democracy and Politics will continue to kill us-everyday!

P.s My lack of belief in Politics and Democracy does in no way suggest that
People should not vote or take part in policy making- just a reminder to keep our eyes and hopes on Christ! He is our only Messiah! And yes, I will vote- even though I prefer Theocracy to Democracy!

The Indwelling Guest

The Holy Spirit is the "forgotten God!"

I am getting big. And I am not the only one who has noticed. My nephew says my chest is pushed out a little more. My ever smiling neighbor friend says he thinks I am trying to walk like The Hulk lately. On my part, I am spending a few extra minutes in the shower- flexing my bulging muscles in the little mirror in my tiny bathroom. I have even named my biceps- the one on the right is called thunder and the one on the left is called- you guessed it,lightening!

So why am I getting buff, you may ask? Two main reasons really. One, I am waking up at 5:30Am in the morning to either go for a 30 minute run or am at the gym pumping iron before the birds know its breakfast time. Somedays I run and somedays I punish my body by raising and lowering ridiculously heavy pieces of metal. All for the reward of being able to justify my peacock swagger,larger pecs and the overall claim of being healthy and in shape. I have always wanted to say that- now I can! I am in shape and in perfect health- eat that world!

The second and more significant reason is that my mom has moved in. Yes, my mom is now living with me and my nephew. She moved in just before Christmas- and by the looks of it- she ain't leaving us any time soon! We don't mind much-me and my cool nephew- but we have noticed a lot of change in our lives lately. Some we like and some I am struggling with.

One thing I like so far about our live-in (maybe permanent?) guest is cleanliness. These days the house is spotless - well, it is when we (me and the nephew) are out. We kind of taint it a bit once we are back in the house for about 15 minutes or so. The truth is- it has never been this clean!

The diet has changed too. Me and my nephew- we agree on several things but one of the top ones is meat. We think that a meal without meat is not fit for a man. My mom thinks different. She thinks the greener your plate, the more your skin glows. I tried to remind her that am an African man who doesn't care for glowing skin. I just want to smell beef or goat or sausages or chicken when I burp. She doesn't seem to like my table manners either.

Now, I have to make sure my ridiculous Afro is combed before I step out- otherwise my dear mon will start hinting that there is quite a number of barber shops just down the road. She also checks out my color coordination when I dress up for church. Says something about image being a big deal.

My nephew also tells me she is also asking a lot about when I plan to settle down and give her grand kids. She gave up asking me to my face - coz when she does, that's when I usually realize I have to go play basketball at church or catch up on my Bible reading.

So I am dressing up a little cleaner ( mom wont let me re-use the t-shirt I wore the other day or the socks I wore the whole of last week) I am also eating a whole lot of rabbit food and wondering why my bowel movements have more than doubled! And of course I am being forced to think about the future a whole lot more. Moms impact at home has been reminding me of the guest in my heart- He who should be governing my heart and soul ever since I gave my life to Christ.

Gods word tells us that once we are born again, He sends the Holy Spirit to dwell in us and " teach us in all things ". The 'Helper' as Jesus called Him, is supposed to help us discern what is good and godly and what is false and evil. He should be slowly but diligently and steadily changing us. Until our image on the outside starts reflecting the change within.

That should be exciting for us right? But how long does our enthusiasm last? After being so used to our sinful ways for years, we don't want to change - do we? We have acquired pet sins and old ways and we don't want to abandon all that. Maybe we want a little change - but not sweeping changes. We are comfortable in the rut of routine- and who is this who wants to push us out of it?

The scary thing is that we can grieve the Holy Spirit. Just like I have been turning away from my mom as she asks me about my future plans and discouraging her from probing into my thoughts and plans, we can grieve the Holy Spirit until we are no longer conscious of His quiet and gentle voice that seeks our own good and the glory of our Father!

Is He the forgotten God in our lives? Do we consciously walk through each day with Him in our hearts? Do we pray for His wisdom and discernment as we read the very Word He inspired men to write?
Are we sensitive to His movements and His work in our souls or have our consciences' been seared by our own lusts and desires that we can no longer feel His gentle hand or heartbroken pleas?

Do we pray with His leading in humility or are we bold and cocky enough to assume we do not need His intercessory role before the very throne of heaven?

I have been thinking about my live-in guest and I have been praying and I am repenting. If it was in His power that Jesus did all the miracles, if it was by His power that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and if He is the seal the Father has placed on my heart as down payment for my Soul and if He inspired men to write the Holy Book-then I better shut up and listen in.
Otherwise I am the dumbest human alive.

What Love looks like

Relentless. That's what Love is. The Relentless pursuit of another- forever!

I would NEVER marry for money, convenience,status, out of desperation, old age panic, for the sake of having children, due to family pressure ( read mom and grandma! ) or even for companionship.I know,I know- I am African but The word is NEVER! I would rather die single. Strong words for a man living in the slum at 31 years of age you might say. Well- those are my convictions. And trust me- I live by my convictions. I would die for my convictions. Call it pride,arrogance or idiocy. I am that kind of idiot. Love is the only reason that would compel me to settle down-nothing else will do.

Love is not love anymore. It has been cheapened. We 'love' cereal and the cat and the car and jogging and food and the new iPhone. Preferences are now convictions of Love. Love has become anything that gives you an emotional high or that which you enjoy doing. That's how cheap the L word has become. My views on both issues -Love and Marriage are pretty old school. They are Biblical.
No, I would never sign a pre-nup, no I would never consider divorce unless infidelity was involved.
I refuse to help cheapen Love.
Love is greater than that.
Infinitely greater than that.

I did not walk into the arms of Christ after sober judgement and deliberation. I did not hear the gospel and become hysterical-crying and chanting unintelligible words and begging God to take me in. At first, I approached the kingdom out of fear. Hell didnt sound like fun for the 9 year old boy. I was plain scared and tired of pain and I also wanted all the shiny golden things in heaven- I was a slum kid- (umm, guess I still am!) I just wanted better. Fire Insurance and a golden pay out.

When I finally found out that God wasnt Santa Clause, I started kicking, cussing and clawing my way in the opposite direction. The thought of depriving myself of indulgent pleasures and suffering for an invisible God didn't sound like my cup of tea. So I fled.


I was pursued. Relentlessly. I didnt like it. I wanted to be left to my own devices. I was ambitious. Get out of the slum, make lots of money and try to enjoy every single day of the rest of my life indulging in anything and everything that would bring me pleasure. Christianity sounded like a monk-secluded from everything nice- and condemning everybody else's actions. I wanted no part of it. Plus, I had heard plenty about the Christian faith while growing up-I was ready for something different.

God however had other plans. He always does. I have given up trying to figure out the Being who talks planets into existence, forms little mud dolls and breathes into them to make them living humans. He who brags that heaven is His throne and that Earth is where He stretches His feet on as a footstool. I just don't know what plan or scheme of mine will ever sound intelligent to His ears. I heard He laughs at those kinds of attempts and ideas. Being so insecure, I am not volunteering to give Him a good bellyache.

Well, He got me. I made all kinds of excuses but they didn't work. He just wouldn't let up or take no for an answer. I gave this whole speech about being so messed up that I probably would be in Rehab forever. He nodded and said He already knew that. I quit praying and going to church so the guilt would go away. Packed the Bible and tried to think of any and every anti-Christian stuff I liked to do that would get me too dirty to love. I immersed myself into gangster rap and decided to become a secular MC. I thought it would be cool and bad and ... further away from everything I had ever learnt about God and the Bible. When that didn't work, I decided to chase a career. It lasted 3 years. I was lost and confused and lonely and disillusioned. Nothing satisfied, nothing motivated me. No peace, lots of inner turmoil.
Ahhh! I had hit rock bottom in my mid 20's. All this time- He was right there. Jesus. Calling out to me.

He was irresistible and I had run out of options. I had reached the end of my rope- He was offering me His life line. I had the stench of death on me- He said He resurrected corpses.
I wanted a compromise- half and half. He said, everything or nothing.
I asked for time to change and clean up- He said I couldn't do it and that I should just come as I am. I tried to prove Him wrong and fell flat on my face - a million times!
All this while He was there. Wooing me. Promising me incredible things and all the while I kept noticing how depraved I was. The prodigal was hungry and tired and lonesome and desperate. Exceedingly desperate. I asked Him, "Why Lord, why me?!
I am nothing, just a worm! You are God! Holy and Mighty, High and lifted up- what business would you have with scum and vermin like me?"

"It's love!" He said. " I love you so much I already died for you. Ransomed you. So we could be together forever! I am never leaving you- that's what Love does!"

I fell, I cried, I repented. I tried to say "But I ...." He shook His head and said He didn't care about the past.

That's when I understood what Love looked like.

That's why I could never cheat into a marriage. If and when I love again, I will expect Love to cost me everything. Our relationship SHOULD mirror the Love of Christ. That doesn't sound like a walk in the park. But Christ promises to walk with us.
If we keep our eyes on Him, It will be beautiful.
So now I am just preparing and waiting -gearing up for the long term- getting set for the relentless pursuit to begin!

Of Explicit Prayers and ongoing Speech Therapy

   "Woe unto me, a man of unclean lips!" 

 

I write how I speak. That doesn't make for a pretty read. It means I break all the rules of written grammar. That definitely ticks off all the English scholars and the average English speakers. I start sentences with Ands and Buts –I put hyphens and commas wherever it sounds natural in speech and I randomly swing between the past, present and future tenses- just for kicks.What the heck! It’s my writing. Nobody forced anybody to read my written speeches. Plus, I have no dreams or aspirations of becoming a New York Times Best Seller in my Lifetime. I just like to speak my mind on paper-literally.

I also happen to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. This means, I say what’s on my mind as soon as it is conceived in my medulla oblongata and then pay for it later. Sometimes I pay dearly. My words tend to rub a lot of people the wrong way-but I really can’t help it. It’s a gift. Well, maybe more of a curse. It gets worse. I also tend to lean towards dark humor. If you pricked me,I would probably ooze sarcasm. Lots of it too! All grey and green muck. This means, many people tend to either think of me as a sour grape, killjoy, rude, insensitive, proud and conceited and pessimistic. I like to think of myself as neither of those-but nobody seems to agree with me. Oh, well!

I get sick saying nice things all the time. I can only do it for so long before everything in me is screaming out- “Aaah! Say something normal!” Obviously, my normal differs with many other peoples’ idea of normal. Maybe I have multiple people’s disorder?

Whatever  the case might be-I don’t lose sleep on it. If it burns my tongue-it’s coming out. Ain’t no way am getting blisters in there when I can spit it out! I just feel so fake-as if am acting! I detest fake.  The problem is- there is a verse about my kind of behavior. Ephesians 4:29. Someone-a teacher I think- made me memorize that verse shortly after I gave my Life to Christ- can’t really remember who it was- that was many years ago. But I guess it tells you they already saw the potential problem my loose cannon might cause to me and others in future!

The Apostle James talks about it too- says something about the tongue being lit by the flames of hell and boasting about great things and blessing God and cursing fellow man all at the same time. It’s pretty scary actually! If not for Grace, then my mouth is talking me straight to eternal doom!

Lately, convictions about my speech are coming faster and harder. I don’t understand why what I say is starting to make me second guess myself and examine the impact of my words on others. I am not saying I have changed-just saying that now, I replay my conversations and what I said and wonder why I said some stuff and what that might have made the other person feel! It’s a really unnatural feeling for me. How awkward would it be if I was nice 24/7? Eeww! I would sound like a suck up! Did I mention that I hate suck ups? Well, I do!

So one of my resolutions this year is to become a prayer warrior- you know, those people who are always praying even when they are looking at you with sincere eyes and thinking-“this person is a  real loser-such an idiot!” I want to be one of those. Constantly praying about people and stuff-mostly people. I am learning that lots of people hurt. All people are hurting bad one way or the other-and so a lot of people need prayers. If God doesn’t come through for them-they are doomed! So my goal is to step in and help out with pushing up prayers and supplications to Dad. He is so good! I wonder what He thinks about my prayers though.

I have been praying more lately-maybe more than some years put together in the past! I Heard or read  something about praying through the day- the concept is very basic and simple but is life transforming. This means that I prod myself to pray at any time-I thank God for my legs as I walk, I thank God for my sight when I look up to the sky, I repent as soon as a cuss word -or words, have had their full run in my mind when someone dumb cuts me in line or shoves me out of the way at the bus stop when I am trying to get on a matatu. I try to remember to repent when I complain about mom serving me vegetables when all I want to eat is meat! It’s a lot of fun,and I feel more connected with Dad-it’s like having a day-long conversation with my Father. Sometimes I picture Him smiling-sometimes laughing at how dumb I am or Him just shaking His head and wondering why in the world He decided to take on a numbskull like me. But I feel so connected-and more conscious when I do something wrong. It’s like I have a new radar that goes off when I am starting to enjoy evil things.

What I have learned though is this- God likes it when we are authentic and real. Read the Psalms. Those guys had no problem letting God know what was on their minds- and hearts. They were wise enough to know how foolish it is to fake a prayer when the God to whom your praying to knows all that you truly are inside,what you are trying to hide and what your real prayer should sound like. I am sick of those games. Don’t care about sounding cool when I pray anymore-I just share what’s heavy on my mind or heart. It’s such a relief –and it’s liberating too to know that you have the privilege of spilling your guts out to a God who cares about what you think and feel, your dreams and fears, anxieties and pains-aaah! What a feeling.

Umm… so what am I trying to say here? Pray authentic. God already knows when your wearing a mask-and you know it! Perfect Love drives out all fear. God loves you with that perfect Love-so stop being fearful and be real with Him. Tell Him when you don’t understand-complain when it feels unfair-then repent right away! Just be you when you’re talking to Him. Ask Him to talk back to you when you have no clue what He is trying to do. Make a deal with Him-and make sure you follow through! Prayer will no longer feel like work or an obligation-it will be a joy and a never ending conversation with the one true being that really cares for you-and who actually listens to all the things you have to say-important, heart wrenching, dumb or silly.

In my next prayer, I am asking Him why this sarcasm thing is such a big deal and is making me feel funny and why I can’t be nice with words to most people for more than 20 minutes!

Maybe I will get an answer or maybe I will just get a smile-but either way, it will all be good-because none of us will be faking.

The ultimate page-turner

                          ‘History is His story. Life has only one author.’


I don't fight change much-at least not most times. Of course there are exceptions for everyone and sometimes you just wish everything would freeze in the moment-but for the most part,I move on quick after very minimal fuss. It's not that I am an unfeeling ,tough and macho guy,(actually, I am a bit of a softie!) and it's definitely not because I am a wise man who thinks that fighting the inevitable is foolhardy-no, far from it!

 It actually has to do more with a personal flaw. 

I get bored way too easily. Life is too predictable and uninspiring when it's all the same stuff over and over again! Getting bored quick with routine is not an admirable quality. It's actually a really bad one. Not the type that wakes up to a regular 9 to 5 and keeps a family together by doing the same thing day in and day out for decades. Loving, leading, sacrificing every day of the year is not for the fickle. I aspire to get there –soon! Endurance and tenacity are what you need for the long haul if you are to do anything meaningful and that outlasts your life. None of those short spurts of enthusiasm get you very far. 

So it’s a new year! So excited! The potential for change is ever so great! There are many old ways to forsake and new ones to embrace. A chance to bury the past and with new vigor, attempt to write a different chapter of your life! Aaah! The thought alone invigorates me-bring on the New Year!

My pastor talked on change this past Sunday and now I have a new Bible hero! Of course Jesus is the ultimate hero for a Christian- God the eternal coming down to wear a suit of mortal flesh and to die as a substitute for the vilest of sinners deserving the worst type of death row is unmatched-but are we not human? Don’t we like to read about a regular Joe, an underdog who by God’s design, favor and grace overcomes insurmountable challenges to perform great feats that awe us and bring glory to the God? At least I do! It gives me hope that the Holy, Almighty God could use a wretch like me to do an iota of something good and meaningful in this otherwise painful, stressful and mostly hard to decipher life! 

 An absolutely wretched human being who by fully trusting God rises up out of the muck and mire of selfish living to effect change in the lives of those around them never fails to inspire me. Those stories give me hope that maybe, just maybe-God will graciously do something remotely close in my own life.

So I have always been awed by Moses, David, Job and Paul. They are incredible role models, remarkable people who by God’s design and Grace have accomplished superhuman feats. Superhuman because no man in and of their own strengths would go through all the trials and tribulations that they faced and come out on top. It’s just not manly possible. However, my secret favorite has always been Samson-and that is not only because he possessed the biggest and most chiseled biceps any man has ever boasted. I mean, the ability to dispatch a thousand well trained soldiers with the jaw bone of ahem, a donkey, is pretty impressive for a hero worshipper like myself! Let’s also not forget that he carried an entire city gate on his back up a hill! Come on, you gotta give the strongman some credit here. However, the clincher for me was his walk with God. Samson was trouble from the get go. Big muscles give you a bit of arrogance-superhuman strength like he possessed kind of soaks your brain cells with pride and a sense of invincibility. No wonder most big and burly men end up being nothing more than guard dogs to their skinnier and obviously more intelligent employers!

 Samson was a screw up who always learnt the hard way. He had lost sight of God until his eyes were gauged out-no pun intend! How he could never see the schemes of the women in his life when they asked him for the answer of his lion and honey riddle or the secret source of his strength beats me- again, big muscles, less brain activity?

 Is this a good example of the pride of life? I do a lot of dumb things and I am absolutely floored and gob smacked that a God so holy and so righteous would give a second glance at me! Samson’s last words are something like… “and now, let me die with the Philistines!” Defiant till the end. God still as gracious as ever, merciful till the end, grants Samson's somewhat selfish and vengeful final wish- to kill all the philistines who have ironically gathered in their thousands to celebrate his capture! He avenges his two eyes by killing more people on that day than he has easily dispatched during his entire life!

I have always identified myself more with Samson than any other Biblical character. We have both been called to a life that we definitely have no will power or strength to pull off on our own. Ever so blinded by pride, ambition and the small trophies of earth, we stumble and mess up so often along the way. Yet we are constantly being helped up by the hand of the ever merciful one. The all powerful one who chooses to walk beside us and extend his hand so readily and willingly as if he were a hired hand!

But Samson is not the hero of old that pastor talked about this past Sunday. No, He talked about a boy-king. A man cut from a different cloth who took an unusual stand. King Josiah. The kid became king when he was only 8. Barely out of his diapers, he was quickly thrust into the hot seat of ruling an entire nation! A nation of idol worshipers deeply plunged into pagan practices for decades. A nation that had rebelliously chosen to forget their unique history. Even Josiah's own father was a wicked pagan king, murdered by his own subjects. Orphaned at 8 and with no godly role model to emulate, (his grandfather, Manasseh, was one of the vilest kings who ever ruled in Israel!) Josiah had every reason to follow the ways of his predecessors. This kid king was different though. He chooses to go against the grain.

 By the age of 26, he has gone all out on a quest to purge Judah of idolatry and all pagan practices.This is precipitated by one event. Someone finds a copy of the book of law and after it is read to him, he is  horrified by how far he and his people have fallen away from God's design for His people. He starts by tearing his royal robes after rending his heart before God. He doesn't stop there though.

He tears down shrines and temples built for foreign gods and idols! He orders that pagan priests be put to death. A young man led solely by the zeal to honor his God, single handedly restores the worship of Yahweh, the true God of the Israelites to a nation that had forsaken their God for decades. The Passover, a ceremonial feast in commemoration of how God had led the Hebrews out of 400 years of slavery had long been forsaken. Josiah restores it. He orders renovations to the temple and tries to restore it to it’s former glory as best as he can. A single man brings sweeping, radical changes by taking a stand and following through. Am sure it wasn't a picnic. People don't wake up and change overnight. In fact, people hate change. Most people like to stick with the status quo.

They can't be bothered to exert themselves when they have found a comfortable rhythm, and anyways, what does a young boy know? Who is he, what right does he have to tell them what to do? I am also sure the devil wasn't taking all this lying down. What challenges and odds did King Josiah have to beat to make all this happen-we don't know. The Bible just highlights his success and his not so heroic death in battle. The point however remains; one person believing in the one true God, stepping out in faith can make a difference. Real change starts with one God, working in one human's heart to bring change to many other lives for the glory of His name.

So what will you stand for or against in this New Year? What changes will God bring to those around you through you? God is always working, doing, moving-- the question is, are you on the same page with the big  Change Maker? Will you let Him turn over a new leaf? Will you let the ultimate page turner write a new chapter in the adventure book of your life? Real change is only a heart change away!

     (for King Josiah's story, see 2 Kings 22 and 23)