I am a depraved wretch. I am not hereby trying to sound humble or spiritual- I am really, REALLY a depraved wretch. I am not trying to sound clever, pious or poetic. I mean that. I haven't written a blog post in a long while because I am a depraved wretch! Yeah, this whole post is just a rant about how despicable I am. And I am seriously - I mean that- seriously not trying to come across as spiritual or deep- spare yourselves the "ahas!" and any admiration. I would rather have your pity instead!
This might or might not be my last blog post. I don't know. Maybe God will be gracious and let me write again and maybe my conscience will not kill me and somehow again I might end up typing up something in the future. I am just not banking on it. And I don't care if I ever do anyway. Why? Because I am a depraved wretch who was convicted that even in my writing- I was being driven by selfish agendas- rather than to honor and glorify God. Even in my "Christian theme blogging", there was underlying pride and a desire to be approved, commended or appreciated by man. In other words- my blogs have been more about my standing in the eyes of those who know me rather than to glorify God and point all and sundry to Him. So I was convicted to stop blogging. Now something you must know is that I just never wake up and blog. I have always turned the matter in my head for days or weeks before I am fully convicted that I need to write- so not writing for so long was difficult- so many times I wanted to write about issues I felt strongly about- but somehow I felt an even stronger opposition to that conviction telling me I shouldn't- so now it makes sense. It's because my heart hasn't been in the right place- even if anything I have ever written has been true and been a blessing to others- I still wrote them with the wrong motives. Thank God that He is so gracious and even uses our ill motives in doing good for His glory! It's like the Apostle Paul saying he knew that certain people preached Christ from 'selfish motives'- well, that has been ME!
So how have I come to this realization? The realization that I have been doing so many things-especially 'good things' with the very worst of motives? Well, 2013 ( I know it's not yet over) has been the most difficult year of my adult life- not financially but spiritually, morally and socially. God has been so gracious to me and I haven't lacked much financially this year- I have actually been more bountiful than I have been in a long long time!
But everything else has been downhill. My morals have been at the bottom of the sea floor. My thought life has been fanned by the flames of hell itself. My mouth has cut like the excalibur. My finger has pointed and scorned at others with the audacity of demons. My hands and feet have rushed to do evil in zealous haste! It's been a bad bad year. Maybe it hasn't shown itself in my demeanor because- you guessed it- I am a depraved wretch who had to cover up and show a more polished side of myself!
I now believe in the absolute depravity of man- not just because the Bible says it- but because I now know it to be absolutely true in my own life.
I have seen my own double standards. I have been betrayed by my own flesh and blood. I have preached water as I got drunk with wine. I have been quick to condemn and judge others without the regard of the forest of logs in my own eyes. I have hurt friends and betrayed the trust of loved ones in cruel and intentional ways. But worst of all- I have betrayed my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in a million ways! I have misrepresented Him. I have taken advantage of His Grace. I have trampled His Mercy underfoot. I have suppressed His truths and disregarded and ignored His deep and unfathomable love. I still don't know why He lets me live or why I am even born again-it's one of those God mysteries that baffle me every passing day!
Somedays I sit terrified wondering if God will expose all that is in my heart, mind and those well hidden sins in my closet. I am more scared of what that would do to the glory of His name- which I so brazenly claim with no merit!- than ruining my standing before man. What is man? The next man is depraved also- but maybe not as gravely as I am. For isn't it worse for those who know the truth and suppress it than those who sin without 'FULL' knowledge? Yeah, I definitely deserve a more severe judgement for knowing all I know and still living the way I do! If Paul called himself the chief of sinners- what then shall I call myself?
I am not writing this post to get sympathy from anyone. I don't want any compliments. In fact- I hope no one 'likes' this post- for that is not why I am writing it. Mentally,I am a very very slow person. So I process best by writing. I only make my posts public because that forces me to be truthful. If I kept a personal journal ( which I don't!) - I probably would never write anything authentic in it- but because I lay my posts out in public- it forces me to be truthful (even if I have written previous blog posts with underlying motives-the content and facts have ALWAYS been the truth according to my knowledge at that point in time!) and as authentic as possible when I jot them down.
Repent. That's what I need to do. True, deep repentance. Accountability. Have people check in on me. Make hard choices. If I am going to strive to live an authentic life, If I am going to dare call myself a child of God- things must change! This can't be what a redeemed sinner should be confessing every few months. There should be growth and fruit- plenty of fruit! God doesn't demand perfection from me- but He expects more faithfulness and greater measures of obedience- not this joke I call my Christian walk!
Oh how depraved I am Father! what shame to your name I am! What an unfaithful ambassador of your Kingdom I have become! Have mercy oh dear Lord!
They don't know how bad I have it Lord! Against you and ONLY you have I sinned so greatly! Have Mercy on me Oh Son of David! What am I but a worm oh Holy God! A depraved wretch who is drowning in your ocean of Grace! I have run out of words to write………
P.s. I am not superstitious- (at least I don't think I am!)
I just knew "The jinx of 13" would be a cooler name for this blog post over something like "Tony needs to repent!" I told you I was a depraved wretch! (Pun intended)
