The purpose in your pain

                                   "The point of your life is to point to Him!"

This is supposed to be an exciting week for me.  This Thursday marks a year to the day I walked away from a job to chase a dream. Yes, on the 18th of April 2012, I walked away from a good job and went back into the slum to pursue what I believe is my life long calling- working with slum kids and street orphans. So it's supposed to have been an exciting week as I looked back on what God has done in the past twelve months, right? Instead it turned out to be one of the most depressing weeks in my life. I have been in low spirits.I wanted to throw in the towel Call it quits and just run back to a 'regular' life! Whatever that means.

So why have I been feeling down?
I have been sickly (I rarely get sick) it's been raining cats and dogs ( I HATE the cold and the slum mud just depresses me!) and I have been low on funds (I am too independent and too proud to beg).  There is also stuff that has been building up on the inside- I have so many ideas and plans but lack the resources to do anything about them. This has been wearing me out- as I look at  a calloused and proud world that doesn't care about slum orphans and poor street boys. As I watch people with means and in position to do something for the less fortunate and sadly realize they don't care and probably never will. I have also had my beef with God- the age old question. Why? Why would he allow the wicked to prosper and why does it look like He is not interested in supporting  'His' own work? Isn't the church His brainchild? Why doesn't He sort her out and do amazing things through her? Isn't He the one so chiefly concerned about His glory and reputation? Well, it doesn't seem like the world wide church is winning lots of admirers and building a movement in recent years- does it?
 So I was content to sulk and wallow in self pity and even to throw up some words to God about how I thought He ought to be running the world -and especially His church! I have a mouth problem- I am hasty with my words and they come out faster than my brain can process, edit and filter them. Many times it leaves me wishing they had invented a vacuum cleaner that can suck up and take back everything you didn't really want to leave hanging out as speech cloud. I was very angry and not in any kind of mood to read my Bible or any other biblical or theological books. I was feeling pretty pre occupied and  self centered and all I wanted to do was dwell on how pathetic and useless my life and  efforts were and how I might be throwing away my life chasing a phantom. As ridiculous as it now sounds and seems- I started questioning wether I had heard God's voice or if I had been too hasty in my decision to leave employment and do what I do. I started scheming on getting out. How to exit quietly and politely.

But last night God graciously came through again. He talked to me through a movie! A movie I believe I stole from some friend's computer a while ago.

It was about 10 pm last night and I was not ready for bed. I had been lying around in the house since Monday wallowing in the pits and as all my friends know- sleep and I have never been good friends since I finished High School. Sleep has always evaded me. Anyways, since I wasn't planning on reading my Bible or any other good book - I started scrolling through my new computer( she is my most treasured earthly 'thing' right now!) looking for a movie to watch and this movie caught my eye- I hadn't watched it before. It was just sitting there with this tantalizing title- It's a wonderful Life! I thought to myself- "Yeah, right!" But I was ready to see somebody else's wonderful life because mine was not too wonderful -I didn't think!

So I start to play this movie. It's about this George. It starts out with many shots of  households in prayer. Everyone seems to be praying for George cause he is depressed,has lost all hope and seems to have dissappeared from the little town. Then some celestial beings which look like big stars are discussing his fate and they  decide to send a wingless Angel to help him out- but first they preview the man's life so that the angel can see what kind of man George is. So anyway to cut the story short- this George guy had different dreams- he wanted to leave his small town and explore the world and come back and do big things- but fate would have him remain and take care of his late father's business that helped poor people build and  own their own homes and evade the clutches of an evil and greedy old grinch who wants to own and control everything in the town.

The old grinch has been trying to find a way to take over the wonderful little business but George has outwitted him so far- but the old grinch's  chance comes when George's uncle 'loses' 8 thousand dollars which the old grinch finds and keeps hidden. George knows that without the 8k, the whole business is going down and he might be jailed on false charges of embezzlement after the Grinch refuses to help him out. He decides to go commit suicide on a bridge- and that's when the wingless old Angel comes in!

The high light of the movie is when George wishes he had never been born -and the Angel in consultation with heaven grants the wish. George walks through his hometown and nobody knows him or recognizes him and some people have a horrible quality of life because he won't there to help them out! He never existed and they don't know him-although he knows them all! When he cries out and wants to 'live' again- that's when the movie really hits home!  I won't spoil it by giving it away- watch it if you haven't! it's one of the best movies I have ever watched in my whole life. I don't intend to ever delete it! EVER!

Okay, so your probably wondering what's the point of my gibberish about this movie? Well, it saved me last night! God showed me his purposes in all the suffering and the pain we go through! We don't want pain! We want everything to go according to our plans! We don't want the inconveniences of other people's problems- we want drama free, sunny cloudless days, easy going lives that don't force us to dig in or sacrifice anything! We want it our way or the high way- or like George, we wish we were never born! Yet our small day to day actions and relationships impact so many lives around us! Some for eternity!

Isn't it a wonder that the Almighty God would choose puny little humans to carry out His plans and purposes? I mean- He could just as well go ahead and carry out His grand schemes through mighty shows and acts in the sky or through natural phenomenon- but no, God would rather work the supernatural through our day-to-day boring lives!

Think of God promising a savior and then sending Him to be born through a young teenage virgin from a nondescript town. Think of God deciding to send out the incredibly valuable gospel message through a rag tag band of twelve -mostly uneducated riff-raff from the lower classes of the Jewish society?

So what am I aiming to get at? There is purpose in your pain. Your small and meager efforts for the Lord have an impact in the lives of others- wether you will ever know it or not! Whatever card God has dealt you with- He had plans, purposes and reasons behind them! Your life may seem meaningless and trivial and you may even wonder of what good it might be to anyone- but if like George you had the privilege of watching the impact your absence would have in the lives of those around you and those who you love- then maybe you would rejoice in your struggles. Maybe you would wake up and still go to your dead-end  job with a smile. Maybe you would appreciate the sunrise and sunset a little more. Maybe your good  health and your three square meals wouldn't be taken for granted anymore. Maybe you would cherish your wife and spend more time with your beautiful children.
Maybe you would never understand the purpose in your pain- but maybe you would also be okay with it because you would appreciate that whatever the Master is doing is for the good of others and for yourself!
For now we see dimly ( or not at all) but one day we shall see clearly- when we behold Him! When the purposes of our pains and trials are fully revealed!

My Pride and Prejudice

DISCLAIMER: For the record, I have NEVER read the book or watched the film of a similar name! I heard it was a chick flick-and that was enough to kill my interest dead! So this post will have no parallels, anecdotes or plot ideas from the said book or film- I just liked the title! :)

I think my biggest flaw as a person is my pride. I am a very conceited wretch of a human being!

I think very highly of myself. Yes, Tony Were is a wickedly self-righteous individual! The worst thing about it is that many times, I have caught myself not being bothered by it!

Self-righteousness stems from the root of pride.

And when it comes to pride and ego- a strutting peacock has nothing on me!

I am also very judgmental. I deliver verdicts of what I think about a person within the first 30 seconds or so when I first meet them! I can quickly categorize them into –‘acquaintance’, ‘platonic friend’, ‘Love interest’, ‘just church folk’, ‘ friend forever’, ‘lil sister or brother,’ ‘potential mentor’ or ‘future business contact/consultant’ within the first 5 minutes of our meeting. I know relationships are meant to grow over time-but somehow my judgments and prejudices have always held. So far, that’s how most of my relationships have started and stayed. 5-minute verdicts. In fact I am so conceited that I 'humble' myself by consciously 'stooping down' to those I feel are beneath my knowledge, status or exposure-and then I congratulate myself for being so 'considerate'!  Yep. Pride and self-righteousness are some of my big goliaths that rear their ugly ogre heads every day!

I was jolted to this truth recently during a memorial service for a friend's in-law. It's not that I had never known that I had this flaw in the past, but I think I was starkly taken a back by how casual I had become about it-and that is what terrifies me! So this is how it happened. The memorial service had just concluded and people were starting to leave or huddle up into groups of friends, acquaintances and relatives. Others were consoling the family of the bereaved one. Naturally, me and my friends from church moved towards each other and huddled up and started to talk about nothing in particular. Then somebody cracked a joke and I jumped on it quick as I usually do- so I could sound smart or funny or whatever-trying to impress as always. That's when my friend shook his head and blurted it out- I don't think he said it with any malice- it just came out sharp and true! His exact words were  something like, "You always have to be the center of attention Tony,  it always has to be about you!"

It hit home hard and quick! I didn't have a comeback for that-I didn't feel like I needed a come back for that. It just felt like a truth that needed to be said and it hit the mark-homed in like a smart bomb. In my head, I was like, "wow, that is true! That is me!"  I went silent for once and just stared at those words inside my head for a minute. And the Holy Spirit has been letting me stew in them since then. It's no fun when the Holy Spirit convicts you - oh, it sucks the flippancy and falsehood out of you like a vacuum cleaner. It takes up all the brain space in your head, wrestles with your heart-forces you to confront the issue head on and heart deep!

I like to think of myself as a black Chandler. You, know, Chandler from FRIENDS? In one of the episodes, someone points out that his sarcastic humor is his way of hiding his pain and shielding the public from really seeing the many insecurities and fears that he has. Now I know why I love Chandler so much- I am practically a less funny, dumber black version of him! I use words to hide behind my fears, insecurities, prejudice and conceitedness. I basically go to war with words everyday! My words are my tools of attack, defense, and prejudice or for boasting and showing off!

I know it’s because I am a sinner.  The  Bible tells us there is nothing as deceitful as our hearts.  But I still can't really put a finger on any physical and practical reasons why I am so self-righteous. 

I am far from being any kind of rich- in fact I am so poor at the moment I practically live hand to mouth!  I have no educational accolades to brag about. No degrees, no PHD's – zip zero!

So is it because of the Grace that God has drowned my life in? 

I mean, I have travelled half around the world for free! I have met some pretty big names and been to some pretty impressive places. I have seen and experienced stuff most people can only read about or watch in movies. Is that why I regard myself with so much esteem? 

Maybe it's cause I feel ‘morally better’ than others?  I don't struggle with many of the things that young people struggle with (Am I even young anymore?) Alcohol, drugs, pre marital sex and late night parties have never been a struggle in my books - never made me sweat much-even during the hormonal teens!  I mean, I am a man so I do battle lust a lot - but so far, I have kept it zipped. I am not claiming perfection and I did have a few close calls in my first relationship - and I definitely wouldn’t have a smug smile on my face if someone ever pulled up my google search history- No, I would beg God to open up the earth to swallow me!!  But there is some kind of condescending attitude I have always had for ‘loose women’ and ‘promiscuous bad boys’.

So does my conceited perspective of my 'morality' make me feel better than others?

Oh and I am pretty conceited about my body- not my mug of course- I have my tribe’s big nose that dominates half my face and crooked buck teeth from all the gum diseases I had as a kid. I also have hundreds of furrows on my forehead that make me look really old when I put on my poker face or when I am mad. No- I am not a pretty boy by a long shot- but I am pretty conceited about my physique! I have all natural abs- if there is anything like that! Yep- my six-pack showed up when I was 15 and it has never gone anywhere despite my notorious meat, bread and chapatti eating habits- my body's metabolism takes care of it all quick and leaves me looking like I am on a vegetarian diet-lean and mean!

Plus I have a good set of lungs- my heart is a bit iffy and has a weird beat to it (according to the cardiologists)- but my lungs are great! I run about 14-15km  three times a week without breaking much of a sweat!

So you can imagine what kind of prejudice I have for the unfit.

So is it my athletic prowess, my false morality or my worldly exposure that make me so self elevated?  Maybe it’s all these put together?

Perhaps. All I know is that I am a wretched soul. The eyes of the all-seeing-One condemn me to eternal damnation- not only for my wretched state as a sinner- but even more so for my pride and self-righteousness!

You see, there is nothing worse before God than a Pharisee who prays and says “ Thank you dear Lord that I am not like that tax collector over there or that prostitute there yonder or God forbid-that thief nailed to the cross over at Golgotha! Thank you that I am a respectable man in society!”

God gags at that kind of prayer! Save for His Grace and long suffering- He would fling such a worm into eternal damnation in a millisecond and have Hell’s flames turned up a 100 fold hotter for such crass and blasphemous talk!

Consider what brought the magnificent Lucifer to such a lowly and damned state? “ I shall rise up and ascend to the highest office! Yeah, I shall be even greater than He! The Angels and all of creation shall bow down and hail me!”

Those lofty dreams and braggadocios words got Him a name change and an eternal sentence in Hades. Pride and self-righteousness are an abomination before the Holy One of Zion.  The Lion of Judah will not tolerate strutting peacocks- for what is a mere bird with colorful plumage?

A helpless bird that is also an easy target – a fowl that scratches the dirt for worms and vermin for food! Oh, the audacity of it all- ridiculous!

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” 

“There is none who does right, no, not even one!”

“ Behold, they worship me with their lips and tongues, but their hearts are far away from me!” 

“You are luke warm….. I would rather that you were either hot or cold!” and because you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth"

“Your righteousness is as filthy menstrual rags before me!”

Any good thing that proceeds from your wretched life is a grace from the Almighty. You did not choose Him- rather, He chose you! It is Him who works and wills in you to perform any righteousness or godly deeds!

Therefore do not boast. Do not dare stick your nose up in the air- lest the stench of your self-righteous perfume waft into the nostrils of the HOLY ONE of Israel and He cast you out like He did the Serpent. Yeah, lest your fate be no worse than Satan’s own!

Let us repent and cry out to the Father – for a broken and contrite Spirit He will not ignore!  A wounded Soul He will bind up in Loving Kindness!

For the Lord our God is the God of the poor, the naked, the pitiable and the wretched! Are you one of these? I am!  My Lord, help me to remember that-all the days of my life!!