My Pride and Prejudice

DISCLAIMER: For the record, I have NEVER read the book or watched the film of a similar name! I heard it was a chick flick-and that was enough to kill my interest dead! So this post will have no parallels, anecdotes or plot ideas from the said book or film- I just liked the title! :)

I think my biggest flaw as a person is my pride. I am a very conceited wretch of a human being!

I think very highly of myself. Yes, Tony Were is a wickedly self-righteous individual! The worst thing about it is that many times, I have caught myself not being bothered by it!

Self-righteousness stems from the root of pride.

And when it comes to pride and ego- a strutting peacock has nothing on me!

I am also very judgmental. I deliver verdicts of what I think about a person within the first 30 seconds or so when I first meet them! I can quickly categorize them into –‘acquaintance’, ‘platonic friend’, ‘Love interest’, ‘just church folk’, ‘ friend forever’, ‘lil sister or brother,’ ‘potential mentor’ or ‘future business contact/consultant’ within the first 5 minutes of our meeting. I know relationships are meant to grow over time-but somehow my judgments and prejudices have always held. So far, that’s how most of my relationships have started and stayed. 5-minute verdicts. In fact I am so conceited that I 'humble' myself by consciously 'stooping down' to those I feel are beneath my knowledge, status or exposure-and then I congratulate myself for being so 'considerate'!  Yep. Pride and self-righteousness are some of my big goliaths that rear their ugly ogre heads every day!

I was jolted to this truth recently during a memorial service for a friend's in-law. It's not that I had never known that I had this flaw in the past, but I think I was starkly taken a back by how casual I had become about it-and that is what terrifies me! So this is how it happened. The memorial service had just concluded and people were starting to leave or huddle up into groups of friends, acquaintances and relatives. Others were consoling the family of the bereaved one. Naturally, me and my friends from church moved towards each other and huddled up and started to talk about nothing in particular. Then somebody cracked a joke and I jumped on it quick as I usually do- so I could sound smart or funny or whatever-trying to impress as always. That's when my friend shook his head and blurted it out- I don't think he said it with any malice- it just came out sharp and true! His exact words were  something like, "You always have to be the center of attention Tony,  it always has to be about you!"

It hit home hard and quick! I didn't have a comeback for that-I didn't feel like I needed a come back for that. It just felt like a truth that needed to be said and it hit the mark-homed in like a smart bomb. In my head, I was like, "wow, that is true! That is me!"  I went silent for once and just stared at those words inside my head for a minute. And the Holy Spirit has been letting me stew in them since then. It's no fun when the Holy Spirit convicts you - oh, it sucks the flippancy and falsehood out of you like a vacuum cleaner. It takes up all the brain space in your head, wrestles with your heart-forces you to confront the issue head on and heart deep!

I like to think of myself as a black Chandler. You, know, Chandler from FRIENDS? In one of the episodes, someone points out that his sarcastic humor is his way of hiding his pain and shielding the public from really seeing the many insecurities and fears that he has. Now I know why I love Chandler so much- I am practically a less funny, dumber black version of him! I use words to hide behind my fears, insecurities, prejudice and conceitedness. I basically go to war with words everyday! My words are my tools of attack, defense, and prejudice or for boasting and showing off!

I know it’s because I am a sinner.  The  Bible tells us there is nothing as deceitful as our hearts.  But I still can't really put a finger on any physical and practical reasons why I am so self-righteous. 

I am far from being any kind of rich- in fact I am so poor at the moment I practically live hand to mouth!  I have no educational accolades to brag about. No degrees, no PHD's – zip zero!

So is it because of the Grace that God has drowned my life in? 

I mean, I have travelled half around the world for free! I have met some pretty big names and been to some pretty impressive places. I have seen and experienced stuff most people can only read about or watch in movies. Is that why I regard myself with so much esteem? 

Maybe it's cause I feel ‘morally better’ than others?  I don't struggle with many of the things that young people struggle with (Am I even young anymore?) Alcohol, drugs, pre marital sex and late night parties have never been a struggle in my books - never made me sweat much-even during the hormonal teens!  I mean, I am a man so I do battle lust a lot - but so far, I have kept it zipped. I am not claiming perfection and I did have a few close calls in my first relationship - and I definitely wouldn’t have a smug smile on my face if someone ever pulled up my google search history- No, I would beg God to open up the earth to swallow me!!  But there is some kind of condescending attitude I have always had for ‘loose women’ and ‘promiscuous bad boys’.

So does my conceited perspective of my 'morality' make me feel better than others?

Oh and I am pretty conceited about my body- not my mug of course- I have my tribe’s big nose that dominates half my face and crooked buck teeth from all the gum diseases I had as a kid. I also have hundreds of furrows on my forehead that make me look really old when I put on my poker face or when I am mad. No- I am not a pretty boy by a long shot- but I am pretty conceited about my physique! I have all natural abs- if there is anything like that! Yep- my six-pack showed up when I was 15 and it has never gone anywhere despite my notorious meat, bread and chapatti eating habits- my body's metabolism takes care of it all quick and leaves me looking like I am on a vegetarian diet-lean and mean!

Plus I have a good set of lungs- my heart is a bit iffy and has a weird beat to it (according to the cardiologists)- but my lungs are great! I run about 14-15km  three times a week without breaking much of a sweat!

So you can imagine what kind of prejudice I have for the unfit.

So is it my athletic prowess, my false morality or my worldly exposure that make me so self elevated?  Maybe it’s all these put together?

Perhaps. All I know is that I am a wretched soul. The eyes of the all-seeing-One condemn me to eternal damnation- not only for my wretched state as a sinner- but even more so for my pride and self-righteousness!

You see, there is nothing worse before God than a Pharisee who prays and says “ Thank you dear Lord that I am not like that tax collector over there or that prostitute there yonder or God forbid-that thief nailed to the cross over at Golgotha! Thank you that I am a respectable man in society!”

God gags at that kind of prayer! Save for His Grace and long suffering- He would fling such a worm into eternal damnation in a millisecond and have Hell’s flames turned up a 100 fold hotter for such crass and blasphemous talk!

Consider what brought the magnificent Lucifer to such a lowly and damned state? “ I shall rise up and ascend to the highest office! Yeah, I shall be even greater than He! The Angels and all of creation shall bow down and hail me!”

Those lofty dreams and braggadocios words got Him a name change and an eternal sentence in Hades. Pride and self-righteousness are an abomination before the Holy One of Zion.  The Lion of Judah will not tolerate strutting peacocks- for what is a mere bird with colorful plumage?

A helpless bird that is also an easy target – a fowl that scratches the dirt for worms and vermin for food! Oh, the audacity of it all- ridiculous!

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” 

“There is none who does right, no, not even one!”

“ Behold, they worship me with their lips and tongues, but their hearts are far away from me!” 

“You are luke warm….. I would rather that you were either hot or cold!” and because you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth"

“Your righteousness is as filthy menstrual rags before me!”

Any good thing that proceeds from your wretched life is a grace from the Almighty. You did not choose Him- rather, He chose you! It is Him who works and wills in you to perform any righteousness or godly deeds!

Therefore do not boast. Do not dare stick your nose up in the air- lest the stench of your self-righteous perfume waft into the nostrils of the HOLY ONE of Israel and He cast you out like He did the Serpent. Yeah, lest your fate be no worse than Satan’s own!

Let us repent and cry out to the Father – for a broken and contrite Spirit He will not ignore!  A wounded Soul He will bind up in Loving Kindness!

For the Lord our God is the God of the poor, the naked, the pitiable and the wretched! Are you one of these? I am!  My Lord, help me to remember that-all the days of my life!!