"Woe unto me, a man of unclean lips!"
I write how I speak. That doesn't make for a pretty read. It means I break all the rules of written grammar. That definitely ticks off all the English scholars and the average English speakers. I start sentences with Ands and Buts –I put hyphens and commas wherever it sounds natural in speech and I randomly swing between the past, present and future tenses- just for kicks.What the heck! It’s my writing. Nobody forced anybody to read my written speeches. Plus, I have no dreams or aspirations of becoming a New York Times Best Seller in my Lifetime. I just like to speak my mind on paper-literally.
I also happen to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. This means, I say what’s on my mind as soon as it is conceived in my medulla oblongata and then pay for it later. Sometimes I pay dearly. My words tend to rub a lot of people the wrong way-but I really can’t help it. It’s a gift. Well, maybe more of a curse. It gets worse. I also tend to lean towards dark humor. If you pricked me,I would probably ooze sarcasm. Lots of it too! All grey and green muck. This means, many people tend to either think of me as a sour grape, killjoy, rude, insensitive, proud and conceited and pessimistic. I like to think of myself as neither of those-but nobody seems to agree with me. Oh, well!
I get sick saying nice things all the time. I can only do it for so long before everything in me is screaming out- “Aaah! Say something normal!” Obviously, my normal differs with many other peoples’ idea of normal. Maybe I have multiple people’s disorder?
Whatever the case might be-I don’t lose sleep on it. If it burns my tongue-it’s coming out. Ain’t no way am getting blisters in there when I can spit it out! I just feel so fake-as if am acting! I detest fake. The problem is- there is a verse about my kind of behavior. Ephesians 4:29. Someone-a teacher I think- made me memorize that verse shortly after I gave my Life to Christ- can’t really remember who it was- that was many years ago. But I guess it tells you they already saw the potential problem my loose cannon might cause to me and others in future!
The Apostle James talks about it too- says something about the tongue being lit by the flames of hell and boasting about great things and blessing God and cursing fellow man all at the same time. It’s pretty scary actually! If not for Grace, then my mouth is talking me straight to eternal doom!
Lately, convictions about my speech are coming faster and harder. I don’t understand why what I say is starting to make me second guess myself and examine the impact of my words on others. I am not saying I have changed-just saying that now, I replay my conversations and what I said and wonder why I said some stuff and what that might have made the other person feel! It’s a really unnatural feeling for me. How awkward would it be if I was nice 24/7? Eeww! I would sound like a suck up! Did I mention that I hate suck ups? Well, I do!
So one of my resolutions this year is to become a prayer warrior- you know, those people who are always praying even when they are looking at you with sincere eyes and thinking-“this person is a real loser-such an idiot!” I want to be one of those. Constantly praying about people and stuff-mostly people. I am learning that lots of people hurt. All people are hurting bad one way or the other-and so a lot of people need prayers. If God doesn’t come through for them-they are doomed! So my goal is to step in and help out with pushing up prayers and supplications to Dad. He is so good! I wonder what He thinks about my prayers though.
I have been praying more lately-maybe more than some years put together in the past! I Heard or read something about praying through the day- the concept is very basic and simple but is life transforming. This means that I prod myself to pray at any time-I thank God for my legs as I walk, I thank God for my sight when I look up to the sky, I repent as soon as a cuss word -or words, have had their full run in my mind when someone dumb cuts me in line or shoves me out of the way at the bus stop when I am trying to get on a matatu. I try to remember to repent when I complain about mom serving me vegetables when all I want to eat is meat! It’s a lot of fun,and I feel more connected with Dad-it’s like having a day-long conversation with my Father. Sometimes I picture Him smiling-sometimes laughing at how dumb I am or Him just shaking His head and wondering why in the world He decided to take on a numbskull like me. But I feel so connected-and more conscious when I do something wrong. It’s like I have a new radar that goes off when I am starting to enjoy evil things.
What I have learned though is this- God likes it when we are authentic and real. Read the Psalms. Those guys had no problem letting God know what was on their minds- and hearts. They were wise enough to know how foolish it is to fake a prayer when the God to whom your praying to knows all that you truly are inside,what you are trying to hide and what your real prayer should sound like. I am sick of those games. Don’t care about sounding cool when I pray anymore-I just share what’s heavy on my mind or heart. It’s such a relief –and it’s liberating too to know that you have the privilege of spilling your guts out to a God who cares about what you think and feel, your dreams and fears, anxieties and pains-aaah! What a feeling.
Umm… so what am I trying to say here? Pray authentic. God already knows when your wearing a mask-and you know it! Perfect Love drives out all fear. God loves you with that perfect Love-so stop being fearful and be real with Him. Tell Him when you don’t understand-complain when it feels unfair-then repent right away! Just be you when you’re talking to Him. Ask Him to talk back to you when you have no clue what He is trying to do. Make a deal with Him-and make sure you follow through! Prayer will no longer feel like work or an obligation-it will be a joy and a never ending conversation with the one true being that really cares for you-and who actually listens to all the things you have to say-important, heart wrenching, dumb or silly.
In my next prayer, I am asking Him why this sarcasm thing is such a big deal and is making me feel funny and why I can’t be nice with words to most people for more than 20 minutes!
Maybe I will get an answer or maybe I will just get a smile-but either way, it will all be good-because none of us will be faking.
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